176.4

I am not a conspiracy theorist. I'm not. When it comes to Big Pharm though, I'm a firm believer.

I believe that the FDA made it very difficult for people to get their hands on HCG because pharmaceutical companies make a lot of money because people are fat. It's easy to convince people that it's unhealthy, because 500 calories a day does not seem like a lot, and people don't like the idea of eating such a small amount. The science behind HCG makes perfect sense if you read it, and I have.

I believe that there are viruses and diseases out there that could be cured, but scientists are not working on a cure for them, because pharmaceutical companies are making a lot of money for maintaining these issues, instead of solving them.

I believe that too many doctors are prescribing too much and healing too little, because there are drug reps that visit them frequently. I don't want any doctor who has a strong relationship with a specific drug company.

I believe that obesity is an pandemic that we cannot solve until the majority of food companies and legitimate healing doctors get together to make sure people are consuming FUEL for their body and making that fuel taste good enough that people prefer it. When parents start teaching children the beauty in the word "moderation" and what the word "no" means, then we can build a healthy generation.


The hCG that I have is not working. It is not doing what it is supposed to, because real HCG does not exist anymore without a doctor's prescription. The doctors who have the guts to prescribe HCG for weight loss make sure they get their money's worth, and they charge around $300 per round. Rob has suggested that I get the 'Lose It' app to keep track of what I put into my body. I am considering it. I am also considering an additional appetite suppressant.

All I know for sure is that I cannot keep torturing myself with fake HCG. It's disappointing. It's heartbreaking. It hurts.

This is Hard

Winning isn't easy, and if it is easy, it wasn't really worth much, was it?

I had a really rough weekend emotionally. It was a lot harder than I'm used to. You know, there are ups and there are downs. This weekend was a really down down.

No cheating, but I wanted to. Food is an addiction. Today, I am 177.4. I have not lost a full pound in several days.

Kayleigh's wedding is coming up. I'm not sure how that's going to be handled yet.

Her bachelorette party is on Saturday. I volunteered to be DD so I'm not tempted to drink a bunch and blow my diet.

Losing weight

Oh yeah, I'm still losing weight- 178.

Don't have time to blog too much, but I haven't forgotten about you.

8

Day 8- 181.0

I'm good. Kinda tired from the non-stop weekend, but I'm good.


OOOOH-- Rob found this wonderful drink that I CAN HAVE. It's Fuze Slenderize. They are basically like <5% fruit druice and a bunch of viatamins and water, but they're wonderful and I have not slowed in my weight loss because of them, so I'll keep drinking them.

Pig out day 2

Going well... Easy part.

Day 1.

This is a new phase. Except to remember that I have done this before, and therefore I can do this again, the past does not matter anymore. The fact that I lost 107 lbs is irrelevant and the fact that I gained back more than 20 of it mean nothing. I am in control of my weight.

I succeed in EVERYTHING I put my mind to. In December, I will have a degree. In the next few years, I will have straight teeth. I have a wonderful job (for anyone at my age and skill level). I have a cute car that is ages above my previous vehicles. I am ALWAYS advancing in life, and I have no intentions of stopping now. I do not give up on anything (except people sometimes- they suck). I am not finished until I have completed my goal. I will be great. My face will be in a business magazine one day.

This round is going to be hard. I know that- but I also know myself very well. If I didn't know I could handle this, I wouldn't have started. My schedule is packed, as always, but we all know that I handle myself better with a full schedule. It's a lot easier not to munch out of boredom when you don't have time to be bored.

Stepped on the scale this morning. 190lbs. What a perfect way to motivate myself to stop now. I have been slowling easing up to the top of the 180s for the past month. I'm done now. That's enough. I did NOT fight this hard to lose.

One day, in the not incredibly distant future, I may decide that I want children. When that happens, I want my body to be prepared for it. There are so many things that can go wrong with the mother is overweight. I will minimize my chances of having a complicated pregnancy (again, in the distant future) by getting to an ideal weight. On top of that- I will have cute pregnancy pictures one day.  I will have children who eat right, because they never knew how to eat wrong. I will win this fight, because I don't know how to lose, and I firmly believe (with everything in life) that you absolutely cannot fail unless you give up.

So, today is Day 1. Not Day 1 of Round Whatever. Today is Day 1 of the rest of my life. I got this.

Catching Up

After posting my blog on Monday, I finally used the Gazelle that's been in the closet since a yard sale from last fall. I watched Grey's Anatomy while using the Gazelle. I'm going to have to pull up some instructional YouTube videos or something though, because I didn't even break a sweat.

The Gazelle made me a little overconfident though. Next, I pulled out the yoga mat and the Yoga for Fitness video that Rob bought me for Christmas. There are 4 things that I learned from the 5 minutes of that video that I made it through.
1. There is a reason that the woman doing the yoga does not tell you how to do yoga as she's doing it. She can't breathe.
2. I probably should start with some Yoga for Beginners. I can barely do a push up, holding myself up for long periods is out of my capabilities.
3. I should stretch more.
4. It does not matter how hard I try, I cannot touch my right knee to my left elbow while holding my body up with my arms.

So, after the yoga fail, I pulled out my exercise ball and did some sit ups on it- probably around 50 or so. Enough to make it hurt.

That was Monday. Tuesday, I took Rob to work and went to the workout room for our apartment complex. I stayed on the elliptical machine for 30 minutes, and the stationary bike for 20 minutes. There is no better motivation for staying on an elliptical than telling yourself this: "You did this when you where 270 lbs. If you can't do it now, we have a bigger problem." If I could go back in time, I would thank my super-fat self for being such a hardass.

Last night, I tossed and turned all night. I kept having stupid work dreams (just build one more load). At one point, Rob woke up and told me to get off of him if I was going to keep rolling around and groaning so loudly. I woke up this morning, and I went right back to bed. I slept a little better, but not much. I've been at work since 11:45.

The point: Today, I was 186 again. I'm pretty proud of myself. I cannot be satisfied by that, but it feels good to know that when I try, I really can control my weight.

Now.

Yesterday I ate too much. This morning, the scale said 190. Yesterday morning, the scale said 186. A few days before that it was 184. I've been battling 185ish for a while now without putting in any effort further than occasionally eating salads. That's got to stop. I will not go backwards. I will not try to put on last year's new swimsuit and cry. I've said it before that after this year, I'm just maintaining my weight. Let's get that shit under control. Today is the last day I ever plan on seeing 190 on the scale.

Rob and I bought a Gazelle at a yard sale a while back. He has a total gym in his closet. I have no idea how to use a total gym, and I have no desire to lift weights. I'm way more into cardio. I have a tv and a Gazelle. As far as I'm concerned, I could play with those two things for hours, but we'll see.

This week, here is my plan: Get up and take Rob to work at 8. Get home and exercise from 9-11ish. Shower, pick Rob up, and go to work. (His car has a rod knocking- in case I read this later and don't understand.) Next week, school starts back up. I'll take Rob to work, then go to school. I should be home around 11. I'll work out until 12 and quickly shower then pick Rob up to take me to work. That's going to be the hard part, but it's definitely going to be worth it... except that I'm already tired... and a little hung over.... but way more pissed off at myself for eating so much yesterday.

I wish I had the time

When I started this semester, I knew it would be tough. I am enrolled in 17 hours (although 2 are co-op) 6 of those hours are economics courses. 6 are all in one class, and the other 3 are in a computer programs course (ERP/SAP). I'm still working 40 hour weeks with the occasional overtime. I am exhausted. This has been horrible. 3 more weeks, then it's back to normal hell (the typical full time work/school) instead of super hell. If I can make it through this semester... well, that's the hard part. one more month. Just one more- then it's smooth sailing.

I just want to run. I get so overwhelmed sometimes, and I get very depressed. Most of the time, it's when my time of the month affects my emotions a little more than I'm prepared for. I feel like I could just run them off though. I would go running right now if I wasn't alone at work. In fact- I may do some sit-ups and stuff in a few minutes just to try to release some endorphins. I really just wish I had the time to work out or to wake up and have time to go for a run without turning my 6 hours of sleep into 5.

I'm scared to step on the scale because I've been struggling. I got up to 180, and I've been hanging out at around a couple of pounds above that. It makes me sick. I feel like Rob can tell, and that makes me miserable as well. I went to the doctor to have my thyroid tested, and she said it was fine, and that my weight issues may be from my birth control. I wish this problem was only as recent as my birth control.

I'm going to Mexico next week for work (how cool is it that I can say that... like, I'm important enough to my work for them to pay to rush me a passport and to send me to Mexico?!?!), and I'm really hoping there is a work out area in the hotel. I just know if I don't hit the gym soon, I'm going to be back up to 190, and then back to 200. I can't let that happen. The thought of it really makes me want to puke (in a nauseous way... not in a bulimia way) ... but not sick enough to eat a damn salad for dinner instead of the nacho bell grande that I ate because I thought it would make me feel better... now I feel shitty and guilty. :/

My blood pressure is fine. Always. My other numbers are fine. My doc said nothing about sugar levels or anything, so I guess, for the most part, I'm healthy... just fat. Oh--- except for this stupid downstairs problem (without going into icky detail) involving me bleeding when I'm not supposed to. Seriously--- am I old enough for a hysterectomy yet?

So, in roughly 2 weeks (when I'm back from Mexico), I'll be moving to evening shifts. 1400-2200 M-F. I am not excited about working 5 days a week, but I'm beyond excited about sleeping every night and having a regular schedule- no more trying to adjust sleep schedules halfway through the week. Hopefully, that will help with these mood swings, and this weight problem. Sleep fixes everything. I should get some.

Umm...

I think I was 167.2 this morning.

In 27.2 lbs, I will have met my final goal. I'm so ready to be done with weight loss.

Here's my thoughts/opinions on the matter right now (as I eat my chicken bacon ranch salad from McDonalds, cause that's as healthy as it gets at 0400 on New Year's Eve): yay... I've lost one hundred and some-odd pounds... can I just be done now? Can't I just get to that final weight and stay there? Maybe have to do the occasional 'after holiday cleanse' or something, but be done? It's still very not fair about how much I have to pay attention to what I eat. Sometimes, I don't even think about eating, and other times, I just want to eat all freaking day. Today is an eat-all-day day. I totally had mac and cheese for lunch/dinner at 8 last night.

2013 is it. Whatever weight I am at the end of 2013 is all I'm losing. I can't be on a diet for the rest of my freaking life, and honestly, there's no reason that I can't lose the last 27 lbs before summer even. Weight loss has become my life, and I'm sick of it. I'm ready to start my new life as a healthy person... I'm so done with this. Finish strong- then be done.

Sometimes, I don't blog for periods of time because I'm so stinkin sick of talking about it.

"Are you allowed to eat that?" "Are you dieting right now?" "I thought you weren't supposed to..." MURRR... shut up.



SOOOOOO On a completely unrelated note: I want a tattoo.

Let me defend myself first, although it's not necessary. I'm a grown up, and supposedly, I don't have to tell people my reasons, but this is kind of fun.

My mom is my best friend. She's the one person who is always on my team. When people said I wouldn't go back to school, that I wouldn't finish. When people said that hCG was bad for me. When people thought it was just another fad diet. When I wanted to play softball, even though I sat on the bench cause Lanny Rice was still the coach. When I quit softball after years of playing, because for some reason, I felt like God told me to. When I had to call off a wedding, and she said, "I can make it all go away in 24 hours", all I had to say was, "I need you to make it go away." When I got a Pit Bull because I was scared to live alone. When I fell in love way faster than 'normal' and all she wanted to know was who made me so happy. When I found out about my other half-brother, and our 'new family'. When my Granny Shirley died, and Rob couldn't go to the funeral...

As a child, and as an adult, my momma has been best friend. She has always been there for me, in ways that nobody else could.

Mom and I used to get into the famous "I love you more" debates. The conclusion was always that she loves me more, because her heart is bigger. Keep in mind, that started when I was a child, and as a grown up, her heart was obviously larger than mine. To this day though, I let her win that argument but, "Only cause your heart's bigger."

Here is the tattoo that I want:

The idea is to get matching tattoos. Hers would be the same, except that it would say, "Only cause my heart's bigger"

The only real dilemma I have is whether to write it like we would say it (which is how it is in the picture) or whether to do it in a more grammatically appropriate way of, "Only because your heart is bigger"

That may be a stupid thing to contemplate, but I think I would have more issues with the southern grammar permanently on my body than I would have with it being worded in a official sounding tone.

Post Christmas Steak Day

This morning: 169.2

I made a steak for diner tonight.

I also went ahead and made another one for tomorrow.

Day 2- No starch, no sugar.

I don't want to type this, but admitting there is a problem is the first step to fixing it, right?

So, I stopped the pills,waited 2 days, and started no starch no sugar. Yesterday, I had an omelette, some buffalo chicken, some fake eggs (I think they're egg whites with food coloring) with turkey sausage in them, and some popcorn. I guess popcorn is starchy. I didn't realize that, or I pretended it wasn't in my brain or something. Saturday morning (before I started NSNS) I weighed in at 162.0. I stepped on the scale this morning... 166.0. I don't even want to type that. I keep thinking, "I have no idea how that happened." It was the popcorn. Duh. So, I should have done a steak day today, but I was not prepared to, so I've just been really careful. I had some leftover buffalo chicken (I got the recipe off Pinterest. Crockpot. AWESOME!), a salad, and I just ate a cheddar-worst-thingy with mustard on it and no bun. We'll see where I'm at tomorrow. If it gets worse, I'll deal with it...

I'm already planning on Christmas being a rule-breaking day, and the 26th being a steak day. I'll see how that goes.

For me, this is the hard part. It's easier to follow a ton of rules than a few. I'm not sure why that is.

Oh well. I've got this.

Oh, and in the past couple of weeks, I have made a ton of sweets, and not even tasted any. I'm pretty impressed with that.

HA! I'm a doofus.

So, this morning (as in Tuesday morning) I went to bed feeling a little hungry. I was already starting to doubt the pills, although I really like the idea of them. Also, if you remember, I had said 120 capsules would last over a round and it advertises loss of 30 lbs with the bottle. So, I read that as half a pound a day because of the 60 day bottle.

I started considering taking an extra pill a day. I figured it might help. I read the back of the bottle (previously, I had read the insert, but obviously, not that clearly) and it says take TWO pills TWICE a day... like- take 4 pills a day. The bottle talks about two pills as a serving, and I just read that as a capsule. On the nutrition table, it says: Serving Size: 2 Capsules. Dur de dur.

It also says I should lose 1-2 lbs a day on the back of the bottle. For some reason, it makes me feel better when it's advertised as a higher weight.

So, maybe I will get down to 159. Maybe.

It should also be noted that I may put off the no starch/no sugar until Christmas Eve and then be VERY cautious on Christmas and up until New Year's Eve (when I fully plan on drinking so much that it didn't matter what I ate that day).

Side note: Next time I chose an accountability partner, make sure it's someone who returns text messages. I'm a firm believer in having battle buddies. Battle buddies return texts and communicate frequently.

My mommy is my battle buddy... and she celebrates every pound with me.

Also, I totally broke my rule and looked at the reviews on the new hCG before I finished this round. It has 4 out of 5 stars based on 287 reviews. I did well. :)

163.0

... and this... is the smallest I've ever been.


 

Shout out to Mommy, who celebrates every single pound with me. :)

164.2

Same weight today. I'm okay with that, I guess. I was really hoping for 159 by the end of this, but even so, I can't pretend that I won't be back at 162 by Christmas, so it doesn't matter really. The point is to continue until Friday, and be as careful as possible over Christmas until I can start back up again. :)

I'm still excited. I'm also interested in seeing if the hCG Activator really will work. Normally, I research products better before I purchase them, but I was desperate.

To do list for tonight:
Christmas cards.
Go pick up some bottled water.

That's pretty much it.

164.2- Correction: This is the smallest I have ever been

I'll probably keep this whole "smallest I've ever been" thing up for a while. :)

I got a new hCG- that should be mentioned. I got it from GNC, because I ran out of the kind I was using (hCG Platinum, that I have no idea where I got). I'm now using an hCG Activator. If you recall, I had been looking for something like this- something that made my body produce more hCG (other than a baby) instead of my trying to get my hands on prego lady piss.

This stuff is pills. There are 120 pills in a bottle for $60, and you are supposed to take 2 a day. The bottle only claims that you will lose half a pound a day, but I'll see how accurate that is. Disclaimer: I did not read the reviews for this product, and I won't. Homeopathic hCG worked for me until I read the reviews, and it messed with my mind. I'm finishing this durn round first, and if it works, I'll use it again. This bottle could very well get me down to 140lbs. I'm so excited.... 24 lbs to go... You know what? I'm going to make a ticker. :)

I have 5 days left of this. I wonder if I can get down to 159... I guess we'll see. :) I didn't have really high hopes for this round, and my heart wasn't in it until I started. Every day leading up to day 1 of the VLCD I was wishing I didn't have to do it, and I was not wanting to follow through. I did it because I needed to. I did it because I didn't want to start 2013 in a barely different spot from what I started 2012 in. I wanted accomplishments. So, even though I didn't want to do this round, I just did it. I put on my big girl panties and did the diet without cheating. Granted, this round will only be 28 days, but seriously, I've lost so far 22lbs over these 22 days.

The thing I'm really curious about is this: can I (on hCG Activator instead of some other form of hCG) go back to the VLCD on January 6th instead of waiting forever? If I just take a couple of weeks off for the holidays will that be enough? (Also, I say holidays in reference to Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day. I am not one of those people who calls Christmas "the holidays" to keep from offending non-believers, and for the record: Rob calls it Christmas too.)

So, if anyone gets bored at work, and can tell me if it's safe to start back up on hCG [Activator] before my wait time is up, I would be happy to have that information. I will not look it up for fear of accidentally seeing a bad review and tarnishing my opinion of the product I have already purchased. If you look it up for me, a simple "yes" or "no" will work fine.

FYI: I started 2012 at 197 lbs. I just looked it up. So, even at 186, I made progress, although, now, I've made some serious progress.


<3 you!

The Smallest I've Ever Been (on record, as an adult)- 167.2

WOOT WOOT!

This... days like today... this is why I do this.

168.2

When I started this round, there were a couple of changes that I wanted to make that I have made, and a couple that I haven't.

Good:
I have not been cooking my food side by side with Rob's.
I have been writing my weight daily.
I have been staying away from diet sodas.
I have been drinking a lot of water.

Bad:
I have not written my reasons for weight loss on the fridge or the calendar.
I have not been notifying my blog of my bad days.

So, I have two index cards in front of me, which I will write my reasons for weight loss on as soon as I am done- one for the fridge, and one for the bathroom.

I had a bad day on Saturday. I did not cheat per-say, but I had a bad day. Twice on this round, I have been out with Rob and his co-workers to pizza places. Both times, I had a salad. The second time (Saturday), I could have eaten the whole damn pizza by myself. I wanted that stupid thing more than I wanted most things (on a short term scale of course). I talked myself through it and ordered a salad, but the salad was huge and I ate every bite of it. I also put some "fat free Italian dressing" on it that was most likely not approved. Earlier in the day, we ate at IHOP where I had an omelette. I want to note that I have never had issues with the omelette unless I combined it with something stupid (like I did on Saturday).

So, I'm back on schedule now, and hopefully, tomorrow when I wake up, I will be the smallest I have ever been as an adult. I ate a hamburger patty (with some GV salsa and mustard) for 'breakfast' or lunch or whatever... and I ate strawberries for a snack twice tonight.

Something I've learned with hCG: If your heart isn't in it, and your mind isn't made up, you're bound to fail. If there is any doubt in your mind about you finishing, you will allow yourself to quit. For me, usually once I get started, there's no choice anymore. Occasionally, there has been, and I've failed, but for the most part, my mindset never changed. 140 is the goal. 140 is the end. Until then, this is not an option.
On that note: Rachel stopped this round of hCG on Saturday (towards the end of my very bad day). Once again, it's me, myself, and I.

My note card reasons:

• Rob, and my future with him
• Hunter, Davin, Awnika
• I will have worked very hard for a degree. What does that mean if I don't live long enough to pay it off?
• Elizabeth.
• My heart
• My chance of future diabetes
• My knees
• My clothes
• My body is God's temple. It belongs to Him, and I should take care of His things.
• Every picture I've ever taken with a double chin

168.8

So, I slept until 1300 or so, and weighed myself as soon as I got up. It said 168.8. I weighed myself an hour later after watching the Walking Dead (not having drank anything or eaten anything) and it said 169.6. Either way, I'm perfectly happy, but I always get on and off the scale a few times for validity, so it irritates me that my scale does this. :-p

Measurements coming soon. They're written down in my car right now, and I'm in a bathrobe, so you'll have to wait.

170.8

Slowly going down. I got this.