How it's going

I'm managing my weight well... right around 204... pretty consistent. Nothing useful to say, just thought I'd let you know I hadn't forgotten about you, or started putting back on weight.

In the middle of an all night shift

I have been at work since 1200 yesterday and it is now almost 0600. This was a 19 hour shift (except that for the first time EVER, I had to clock out for a "lunch" so H.R. doesn't flip out). On my "lunch" I went to Wal Mart to browse. Sometimes when I'm in public places, I look at larger people and wonder if I was that big... if I am that big. See, it's hard for me to comprehend what I look like now, because I still look the same to me.  I just have no concept of my size, except that all my clothes are too big.

So here's the story. I got to the checkout, and there was a woman in front of me, who I figured to have weighed about 300 lbs. I think she was bigger than I was at my biggest, but probably not too much. I then looked at the cute little chunky girl behind the counter. She's about my height, if not a little shorter. I looked at her size, and thought to myself, "I'd be happy at that size." She had a little bit of plump, but she was obviously petite and healthy. Now, for the next part, keep in mind it was around 0200. I looked at the girl and said, "Do you mind if I ask you an inappropriate question?" She said, "Shoot!" I asked her how much she weighed and she said right at 200. I almost crapped myself. I smiled and told her what had been going on in my head. She seemed pretty flattered.

I know that I am still not at a healthy weight, but I am more comfortable with my appearance than I have ever been, and that's pretty durn satisfying.

SO

I woke up today- 201lbs. Not getting back on HCG, but I am going to watch my weight very closely. I really think I can lose some on my own, and in a weird way, I think it may be easier for me to lose it when I'm off HCG. I'll let you know how this works.

7/3/11- Day ?

I am not completing this round of HCG. It has been a week, and I'm at 205. This is not because the diet doesn't work. It's because I haven't been doing it right.

Early this week, I ate two genuine Sonic meals, and have not recovered from that. This is the first round that I have actually cheated, and I guess now I've seen what happens when you do. My heart is not in this round. I am 6 pounds away from being under 200 for the first time in who knows how long. I can give you a very long list of my excuses- but I'm not going to. The short version- I feel entirely too emotionally unstable to do this like it's supposed to be done, so I'm not doing it at all.

I was supposed to get married on Saturday- and I'm not... and I'm not handling the reality of how much time I have wasted very well.


I'll let you know when I'm up to it again.