When I started this semester, I knew it would be tough. I am enrolled in 17 hours (although 2 are co-op) 6 of those hours are economics courses. 6 are all in one class, and the other 3 are in a computer programs course (ERP/SAP). I'm still working 40 hour weeks with the occasional overtime. I am exhausted. This has been horrible. 3 more weeks, then it's back to normal hell (the typical full time work/school) instead of super hell. If I can make it through this semester... well, that's the hard part. one more month. Just one more- then it's smooth sailing.
I just want to run. I get so overwhelmed sometimes, and I get very depressed. Most of the time, it's when my time of the month affects my emotions a little more than I'm prepared for. I feel like I could just run them off though. I would go running right now if I wasn't alone at work. In fact- I may do some sit-ups and stuff in a few minutes just to try to release some endorphins. I really just wish I had the time to work out or to wake up and have time to go for a run without turning my 6 hours of sleep into 5.
I'm scared to step on the scale because I've been struggling. I got up to 180, and I've been hanging out at around a couple of pounds above that. It makes me sick. I feel like Rob can tell, and that makes me miserable as well. I went to the doctor to have my thyroid tested, and she said it was fine, and that my weight issues may be from my birth control. I wish this problem was only as recent as my birth control.
I'm going to Mexico next week for work (how cool is it that I can say that... like, I'm important enough to my work for them to pay to rush me a passport and to send me to Mexico?!?!), and I'm really hoping there is a work out area in the hotel. I just know if I don't hit the gym soon, I'm going to be back up to 190, and then back to 200. I can't let that happen. The thought of it really makes me want to puke (in a nauseous way... not in a bulimia way) ... but not sick enough to eat a damn salad for dinner instead of the nacho bell grande that I ate because I thought it would make me feel better... now I feel shitty and guilty. :/
My blood pressure is fine. Always. My other numbers are fine. My doc said nothing about sugar levels or anything, so I guess, for the most part, I'm healthy... just fat. Oh--- except for this stupid downstairs problem (without going into icky detail) involving me bleeding when I'm not supposed to. Seriously--- am I old enough for a hysterectomy yet?
So, in roughly 2 weeks (when I'm back from Mexico), I'll be moving to evening shifts. 1400-2200 M-F. I am not excited about working 5 days a week, but I'm beyond excited about sleeping every night and having a regular schedule- no more trying to adjust sleep schedules halfway through the week. Hopefully, that will help with these mood swings, and this weight problem. Sleep fixes everything. I should get some.
Oh baby girl - I feel ya! I really truly do! And I know what it's like to feel like food will "make you feel better"...then you feel so much guilt for screwing up it's unbearable. I am SO to blame for that, and I am SO sorry. I've always rewarded myself with food, and I taught you to do that. Eat if things are good, eat if they are bad, eat if you are happy, eat if you are sad (how "sad" is it that that rhymed?). Eat when you are stressed, or relaxed, or nervous, or anxious, or angry EAT EAT EAT. HOWEVER, YOU are stronger than me. You are THE STRONGEST woman I know. YOU can fix/do this. You are back from Mexico, you started a new shift, you're about to be done with the semester. Start again. I'll do it with you. (God knows this Biggest Loser contest at work is only making me eat & gain more - I don't like 'people' telling me what & when to eat - not people I work for/with) Anyhoo - I LOVE YOU. I love you just the way you are - and I love you for the person you want (and WILL) become. I love you MORE - cuz my heart is bigger :)
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