So, I've decided to get back to the "blogging" part of this blog, and not just record keeping, but only shortly, because there are some things I have to finish before I leave work.
For a while, I didn't post particularly personal stuff on this blog, because it was made for my weight loss. Guess what. Weight loss is very personal. A lot of my personal life contributes to my weight loss, or lack thereof.
I believe I mentioned the whole almost getting married/calling off my wedding thing. What I didn't mention is how hard it was on me getting used to being a single person again. Maybe you understand this. Maybe you don't, and this is sort of hard for me to admit out loud (because sometimes writing is more out loud than speaking). When I called off my wedding, my weight loss was put on hold. Like, a major hold... you know, the kind a bank puts on checks from out of the country.
I gave every part of me to my relationship with Jerimiah. So much so, that there was nothing left for me. I woke up every morning and went to work for him. It wasn't about me finishing school, or moving up in my work. It was about taking care of us. My life revolved around the two of us. He did not share the same desire to take care of our "family". It was a hard realization for me when I hit my breaking point. He is a good guy, but he has a lot of growing up to do, and I can't be his mother.
I asked him repeatedly to get a job, then begged him for even longer. One day I told him he had two weeks to get a job, or I was calling off the wedding. I had no intentions of leaving him. After all, he was my everything. I just wasn't ready to marry someone under the circumstances we were in. The day after I gave him a deadline, he slept until afternoon. I was heartbroken, and devastated. I was working as much as I possibly could, and he couldn't even get out of bed to hold us together. That's when I decided that not only was he not ready to get married, but he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I gave him his two weeks, or tried to. A week and a half in, he asked if I wanted to marry him still. He asked me in a text, and I ended up calling him to tell him, "no."
Long story short, it broke my heart, and I drank often and in large quantities to try to fill the cracks. I drank back on every pound from the last round of HCG I did. I became a drone. I had no idea where I was in life, or what I was doing with it. Everything I had planned fell through. Everything I had put so much effort into... the one person that I thought I could rely on to take care of me... Sometimes, I still have a hard time wrapping my mind about how much time and effort I wasted. I had to make new plans, and new, revamped goals. Which I have done, and am continuing to do. My diet is my stabilizer.
I feel better. I feel fresh. I have ups and downs all the time, but I'm good today.
My mom and I have this saying about HCG. "It's the one thing we have control over."
The thing about it is, right now, I feel like I'm in control of everything. I have a million options out there for me. A million different opportunities to make an imprint in the world, and I sure as hell don't need a man to help me do it.
This diet is step one. I have to change myself before I can change the world.
As of today: 211 lbs.
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